This happened a long time ago. I’m just posting about it because Mallory is hot and I was super drunk.

615. Do a body shot

So, I think guns are awesome. I haven’t always felt this way, but over the past few years I have become a rabid anti-gun law type, feeling as though Canada wastes a lot of time and money ‘protecting’ us from guns. The only people who follow gun laws are people who don’t do stupid shit with their guns. ANYWAYS. Before I fall into a desperate rant about pretty much nothing, yet keeping on the topic of guns, you may have noticed I had ‘Fire a Gun’ on my life list, under #155 to be precise.

Allow me to throw into this mix: Phil, this dude I know who really, really, really loves guns. So much so that he has a membership at a local gun range. I showed up at Phil’s house a few days ago, ready for another day of watching Food Network with his parents, but instead he said “let’s go”. When asked where we might be going (in case he was planning on murdering me, I’d like to find out in advance) he replied “The Shooting Edge” . Definitely going to murder me. I mentally prepared myself for death, accepted the inevitable, and climbed in his car.

Much to my surprise, Phil was not planning on murdering me. In fact, he wanted to teach me how to properly use firearms, presumably so we could have epic glock showdowns in his house. I signed in as a guest and waited patiently with a copy of “Pheasants Forever” until a shooting bay was empty for our use. I let Phil do the talking, as I had no idea what was going on whatsoever. Phil chose a 9mm Beretta for my first experience.

After the 10 minute introduction to firearm safety and what to expect, we threw on our eyes and ears and entered the shooting bays. Holy fuck on a stick is it loud. I don’t like loud noises so I was a bit apprehensive at first, standing near the back insisting Phil go first (somewhat hoping he’d shoot me and put me out of my noise-induced misery). Our super awesome Range Officer then loaded a single bullet into the mag and made sure I was holding properly and then gave me a countdown to three and told me to fire (at the target, not willy nilly). I was still nervous at this point so I’m not going to go on a long string of “what a rush” and “I knew I was addicted”. In fact, I didn’t really like the Beretta. Too much kick and I had no idea how to aim it. Thankfully, Phil is never okay with just one gun, and insisted we try a glock.

Now, I say this in all honesty: I am going to take a glock down to the courthouse, marry it proper and make sweet, sweet love to it (I’ll allow that horrific image to sink in for a little. Also: hi mom.)

I really got into firing the glock. I love slamming in the mag, pulling back the thinger magigger, and letting loose a hailstorm of deadly lead pieces imagining all of the zombies I could be hypothetically mowing down with my murderous prowess. This is all made better by the fact The Shooting Edge has movie posters from The Crazies freely available in the bays. Needless to say I am now the proud owner of a hella dead photographic zombie.

With a sigh, I finished off the last clip, looking at Phil with my patented “I am so sad this over, do something now” eyes. Luckily, Phil either responds well to this look or is simply gun crazy, because he turned to our Range Officer and said “anyway we could fire a shotgun today?”. Our Range Officer, seeming to be just as excited as I was at the request, packed up our glock and went to get us a badass deer exploding piece of metal machinery. The shotgun tutorial was a bit longer, but worth it, because he taught us the proper technique not to get thrashed by the kickback. Phil went first (I went second, just for your own reference). I don’t care about Phil going, so I’ll talk about me and I really only have one thing to say:

Shit. I’m divorcing the glock. Shotgun wedding, for reals.

155. Fire a gun

And it’s kind of skanky.

One Sunday night whilst I was in Montreal for the Explore program, my homosexual friend Abraham suggested we go into The Village and experience one of the men-only strip joints, since it hosted ladies night every week on the Lord’s Day (hah!) $5 Cover at Campus gains you entry into some basic stripping, albeit by some extremely hot men. Some of them were hot. Other’s Abraham and I decided looked like they probably ate babies for breakfast because of their ‘roid problems. Ick.

We thought it would be funny to get lap dances too, since we were there. I had heard from other chicklets in my French program who had gone to straight strip clubs that they just danced near you, they couldn’t touch you and you couldn’t touch them. Not so much a problem at Campus, apparently. The first words my stripper (my stripper, lol) said to me were ‘you can touch me anywhere’. I did not take him up on this offer. He, on the otherhand, attempted to do things that HE would have to pay ME for. I was kind of revolted. And he made me smell like cologne for the rest of the night, which was gross, because I’m a girl and I don’t particularily like smelling like a dude.

And thus ended my adventure at the strippers.

Whatever.

It got something off of my list.

306. Go to the strippers

Well, I have gone and finished something off of my life list apparently, graduating with a BA. I one-upped myself though and pulled off a double major, thus graduating with two BAs, one in History and one in Women’s Studies. Both with distinction. Holla! This was by far one of my longest tasks to complete, taking me a full five and a half years. I’ve already started looking into grad schools, because I – for some reason – included getting my Master’s on this list. Oh and PhD. I must really hate myself.

Regardless, I guess I’m proud of myself. I think I was just more excisted for retarded photo-ops.


#350. Graduate with a BA

Now to spend the rest of the day packing for the annual weeklong trip to Kingston, ON.

The title of this post is pretty much the only sentence I can say in French. It’s probably wrong, but I say it all the time just to prove that all my time in French classes was not for nothing. I took French until grade three, on and off between grades 4 and 9, and all through high school. I came out of high school with an alright understanding and the desire to take it further, but I hit a roadblock in my first year of university. Sitting in my first day of class, the professor spoke nothing but French and everyone in the class seemed to be already fluent. I dropped it after the first day because I literally had no idea what was going on or what the expectations would be (beyond already speaking French…).

Being the giant lazy sloth that I am, I just stopped. Well, that’s a lie, I attempted, poorly, to take an independent class through Athabasca University, but that was a complete wash and a waste of money. Now, I have decided to finally get back on tackling #6 on my life list to become fluent in French. I have been fairly dedicated so far, listening to podcasts everyday, reviewing old French textbooks, listening to French news stories to get an ear for the spoken rhythm of the language. I’m hopeful. I also will be enrolling in J’explore a French learning program offered at various locations across Canada, care of the Canadian government. The program is 5 weeks long and I hope to be able to do it in either Montreal or New Brunswick. The goal is conversational French fluency, but of course they have varying levels of classes. My personal goal is to not end up in the beginner’s class!

So far, my absolute favourite tool has been Coffee Break French, produced by the Radio Lingua Network. Radio Lingua has several different French podcasts, including One Minute French and the video-based Walk, Talk and Learn French, but so far, Mark and Anna at Coffee Break French have been the absolute best at helping me get a new lease on the French language. I highly recommend you check them out if you are also trying to learn or relearn Francais, either at their website or on Itunes!

Snapshot of me at the Hoover Dam on my way to the Grand Canyon in September 2008. This satisfied #121 on my life list.

Forgive my ridiculous lack of posting. There is not excuse for laziness…pure, consuming, indulgent laziness.

I did make it out to Kelowna for a rather short, but incredibly relaxing trip. Adam and I just hung out and took in the beautiful surroundings. I did get to see the Spotted Lake near Osoyoos, which was pretty awesome. It was actually one of the things I was most excited for on my list, because I like freaky natural things. Check  out the pic below.

I also got a massage for the first time, which has gotten me a slight addiction. There is definitely not picture of that. Pervs.

Two things were crossed off of my list in the short trip!

26. Get a massage from a professional

308. Go the Spotted Lake at Osoyoos, BC

The weather has decided to get back to be snowy and cold, which is just what it does in April when you live in Calgary, Alberta. I’ve literally spent the entire day I should have been studying staring out the window thinking about Iceland, because you know…snow…outside…Ice…land. Yeah. August I will be heading the Iceland way, I’ve been perusing flights and hostels but until my mom and I make definite plans to see my grandparents in Toronto I can’t do too much (I should probably also get a job to pay for it, since Visa does not currently accept sexual favours, but you know…less important…)

Iceland makes an appearance several times on my list, testament to my desire to go and enjoy everything the country has to enjoy. It is literally at the moment my number one destination, with Morocco falling into second place. Yeah I know, snowy and cold to hot deserts, my brain doesn’t follow rhyme or reason. Only four months and I’ll be hanging out in Reykjavik! Here is what is on my list…

#317. Go to the Icelandic Phallological Museum
#356. See the Northern Lights in Iceland
#377. Travel to all of the European countries (it totally counts!)

I thought I had more on there! And now I’m wondering if I could even see the Northern Lights in August…Anywho! I’ve been looking at Iceland’s tourism websites and trying to work out some sort of rough plan. I’m also trying to find someone willing to go with me since Adam will be both working and broke and my mom has this weird vendetta against doing anything fun. I guess if it comes down to it I will go on my own, which is scary, but something I know I can do. Any good ideas of things to do in Iceland, particularly in Reykjavik?

This week is all about things that aren’t about to make it onto my life list any time soon. I’m trying to be adventurous and open to new experiences, but some things are just beyond my personal threshold. Case in point: Pulpit Rock. The articles are still great and interesting, the subjects just happen to make me queasy and unhappy to think about.

10 Most Exotic Asian Foods
via Nellie at Wild Junket
I should mention here that the chicken feet actually look somewhat good…but the rest of it isn’t about to be consumed by me anytime soon.

This video!!!

This video is insane and I cannot believe people stand there!!

Most Dangerous Roads in the World
I hate driving in Calgary Alberta, I doubt I would survive these unscathed.

North Korea
This blog entry is surprisingly beautiful and has some wonderful photography. It actually kind of made me want to go to North Korea, but I think it might still be a little bit too out there for me. The forced participation in musicals is what does it for me.

So I’ve made up my mind: life is bland whether you are working or not. I do very much enjoy not working. I have all this time to cook and sit around and start book clubs called “Liberal Rejectionist Revisionary Visionary Literary Socialites” (AKA The Finer Things Club for all you Office fans). Our first book, thanks to Sarah, is The Little Prince.

I’m not sure how I found time to read this mostly illustrated 109 page childrens’ book into my time, especially since I have been completely wrapped up in RuPaul’s Drag Race. God I love Drag Queens. I wish I could BE a Drag Queen, and according to my gay bestie, there’s nothing stopping me. Then again, he wishes he was a woman, so it’s only fitting he encourage his lady friends to try and impersonate men (who impersonate women). I have been trying to find a drag show to attend, since seeing a real live fully fabulous and over the top drag show is #489 on my list.

My inspiration

Otherwise, life is bland. I’ve been working on papers and getting through the last 3 or 4 weeks of this semester. I then get a full two weeks to mentally reset and prepare myself for the long haul of spring and summer courses. Other than my short trip to Red Deer to see Hey Ocean do a show, I have no travel plans until June. Even then, it’s just Kelowna. I shouldn’t disparage Kelowna so much, I’m rather excited! At least there is water there.