That’s all nice. But the best part? I escaped Calgary for the entire duration of the Stampede.

The Calgary Stampede is a 10 day adventure that draws in tens of thousands of people a year, packing themselves onto our already stuffed C-trains and transit system to get down to the Stampede Grounds in order to drink, hurt small animals, and risk their lives riding 40 year old amusement park equipment run by homeless drug addicts (seriously). The best part is that the Stampede Grounds are technically within the downtown limits, which means trying to get to work and back from “the Core” becomes par with having the ability to shit out fluorescent pink llamas.

Most people who live in Calgary love the Stampede. Love it. 10 days of with a city full of foreigners just waiting to have a drinking contests and a one night stand. Or, you know, they own a downtown hotel and make several million in this one 10 day span. I am not one of these people. These 10 days mark the worst time of the year to live in this city.  It makes me feel so badly for people who live in truly hot tourist destinations, like Amsterdam. People who might never see their favourite bar without a loud, drunken buffoon again. Or, even worse, to live in a country where the only form of employment is to serve the rude, self important jerks who think their $900 vacation package bought them the country and all of its inhabitants.

I’m not sure if it’s simply that I was born without the cow-wrangling gene, refuse to define myself as “country western” in any manner of speaking, or that I was raised by liberals in the East, but I seriously have my hate on for the Calgary Stampede. Enough so that I intentionally travel to other tourist destinations to get away from the one I live in.

No this is not some bout of patriotism and hatred for the United States. Amtrak just sucks so hard in comparison to Via Rail it kind of hurts. And no it’s not even that they are in direct competition with each other, seeing as how they operate in different countries. I suppose it’s just a matter of knowing what to expect when you use either of this North American rail travel providers especially if you are crossing the border on them.

I was quite excited to travel by train, since it has been dubbed the more humane way to travel. Oh, and it’s not 37,000 feet in the air. On my first experience with VIA Rail, going the 20 minutes between Toronto and Oakville, I was incredibly impressed. Incredibly helpful staff, clean at the station and on board, spacious, and polite customers! I left actually looking forward to the 12 hour haul I would be taking in four days between New York City and Oakville. This longing for rail travel was reinforced by my not-so-pleasant over night drive to New York on Greyhound.

On the Monday we were leaving New York (sad face goes here) we got to Penn Station at around 6:15 to ensure we would be on time for our 7:20 departure on Amtrak. We were told at the counter that they would not know or announce the boarding platform until 10 minutes before boarding. Lies! Lies! Lies! We went straight over to the boarding platform as it was announced and found at least 200 people stretched out in front of us. I wonder how they found out the boarding platform before everyone else? We eventually made it to the train, and found ourselves looking at a full car. We somehow found two seats somewhat near each other, but both had to sit with strangers (I booked my tickets together for what exactly?). I guess we had it better than many of the people crammed into the Amtrak car, as about 25 people didn’t have seats. Oh and the door to the next car wouldn’t open. Awesome. The train left the station, and people began to get a bit frantic thinking they’d have to sit in the aisles, until the rudest, angriest man I have ever encountered in a customer-oriented position came hollering in, yelling to open the door and get out of the car and go into the next one. A few men spoke up that they gladly would if they could seeing as how they’d paid to sit down and had been standing on a rocking train for almost 30 minutes. The angry train employee continued to act like a complete ass, pushing his way to the door where he found that is was indeed stuck because it seemed to be…oh let’s see…locked? Yeah, awesome. People began moving into the next car, and some people began getting up in order to follow their families into the next car, but the rude man made sure to inform them that they WERE NOT TO SWITCH CARS. Yeah, children and parents in separate cars. Awesome deal Amtrak. You kick ass.

While we did eventually get a new and much better train attendant, we began finding that every hour or so we were being delayed for rail construction. I should say that Amtrak did call me a few days prior to leaving to tell me that my train would be arriving in Oakville 6 minutes late. I can’t fathom why they bothered calling me over 6 minutes in the first place, especially considering we arrived almost 3 hours late when all was said and done. In all, we spent almost 12 hours on Amtrak, and after about the 3rd hour the washrooms were essentially unusable and beyond anything sanitary (dear men: for the love of lordisa SIT THE FUCK DOWN when peeing on trains. They rock and sway and you do not have skills to compete with the train and pee in a straight line.) The food selection was alright, but going to the food car meant walking by mostly empty cars where we could not go sit and spread out a little.

At the Canadian border, after quite a bit of waiting for customs to finish whatever it was they were doing (scheduled time for customs = 10 minutes. Actually time: 1 hour and 10 minutes). VIA took over the car at this point, and you could feel the difference. We were allowed to move. The employees were nice and asked how we were, if we needed anything (the last 12 hours of my life back please?). One thing that was absolutely impossible not to notice was that almost all of the VIA Rail car on-board staff are middle aged, attractive gay men who love to help people. All three of my train rides with VIA featured several of these attendants. Even though we were frazzled and at the end of our wits from the long, long ride on Amtrak, you could feel the atmosphere settle when VIA took over.

The next morning I boarded my final train of the trip, en route to Kingston, Ontario. I sat back in the incredibly cushioned VIA Rail chair and allowed the gay-40-something on-board agent ask me at every stop if I needed anything. I looked out at Lake Ontario lapping just feet from the train and enjoyed the silence on the train. I thought of the day prior, packed onto a stuffed, dirty car, with people yelling and angry agents. I wondered how I would ever survive a train in say, India or China. The only knowledge I have of the train service in these countries is Western biased of course, with images of 500 people clinging to the sides of over-packed train cars. I survived Amtrak, but I hated it with every fibre of my being. When the time comes to get onto that train that has a hole through the bottom of the car serving as the toilet, will I be able to board and get to where I need to go?