1002 Things Before I Kick the Bucket

I suppose most people’s idea of a vacation is Hawaii. Maybe Mexico or even Punta Cana. Some might be adventurous and dream of one day laying on the beaches in the South of France (I’m looking at you Beyonce). That’s all nice and well, but I have a certain expectation that any travel I partake in will eventually lead to me being buried due to a well-earned gun shot wound. Roughly translated: I have a powerful obsession with North Korea and possibly an unhealthy fascination with visiting this Powerful and Prosperous Nation (yeah, that’s me, quoting North Korean propaganda). People find this incredibly odd and confusing. (Apparently the economy in North Korea is in direct offense to the beliefs of Canada? – but their website calls me “friend”! So it’s TOTALLY OKAY GUYS!). This reaction has always been alright, because my obsession makes me quite a celebrity amongst my friends – in that I am obviously some kind of spy sent from the Democratic People’s Republic to gather information about what capitalist pigs are up to these days (I like to send Kim-Jong Il pictures of potbelly pigs in Lincoln hats).

Side note: One time I got …rather… drunk at a gay bar and was telling these people in the bathroom how I went to North Korea and fell in love with this guy and when he told me he loved me I said “hahaha I choose FREEDOM!” When I started laughing and confessed I was joking, my friend Andrew punched me in the arm. My friend Andrew is a jerk.

So why the fascination with North Korea? Let me tell you in the only way I know how - NUMERICAL LISTS ORGANIZED BY DECREASING LEVELS OF HUMOUR.

Side note: I know this blog post will probably remove any possibility of ever going to the United States again. I take my “journalism” seriously, okay?

1. The Vice Guide to North Korea. If you have Netflix, if you have YouTube, if you have the ability to click that link, I sincerely suggest you watch this documentary. In return, I will not deny that this documentary helped turn my fascination with the nation into an interest for visiting. When did I first visit The Official Webpage of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to look at travel options? Yes, after the first time I watched this film. Later on Kimjongilia would make me feel sad about North Korea for a while, but that was fixed by watching the Vice Guide again! YAY!

2. My Imagination. Picture it: Gadhafi and Kim Jong-il meet the day of their trials at the Hague for crimes against humanity, their eyes lock across the room. This was it; the reason for their murderous reigns thousands of miles apart. They approach each other from across the room, or whatever the Hague is like – I don’t care enough to find out. Eyes still locked, Gadhafi says “I really like your special brand of crazy” and Kim Jong-il replies “your style is impeccable…I mean those sunglasses….” As they are dragged away, they scream out “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” to each other and vow to be reunited. These are the things that occupy my mind most of the time. Can you imagine a charcoal sketch of this moment? Can you imagine bringing that sketch to North Korea and getting Kim Jong-il to sign it?!? A girl can dream.

3. Totes Hipster. I literally know of nobody who has gone there, or who wants to go there. Where else in the world is there a destination that obscure and awful? Well, maybe like…lots of places?

4. Perspective. On a more serious note, I’m a spoiled brat. I’ll admit I have nothing on Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, but on a global level, I’m just awful. My water usage, gas consumption, eating habits… just ridiculous. And yet I never think about these things, ever. Mostly because I’m too busy gluing feathers in some gay dude’s hair or filling bathtubs with champagne – just for funsies. I so rarely stop to think about what my life would be like if I had been born anywhere else in the world. The fact I can hop on a plane to any continent in the world tomorrow if I choose isn’t something I should take as lightly as I do. So many people ask why I’d want to go to a country that would never give me the freedom to roam as I pleased. People constantly ask me “how is that experiencing culture?” A trip to North Korea presents the rarest opportunity to be thrown directly into a culture of complete control. I can only imagine how much more I might appreciate my freedom if I spent a week without any.

5. The Landscape, people, culture, buildings…it has all the reasons people travel anywhere. My favourite site for pictures of North Korea shows it all: Wandering Camera: North Korea