1002 Things Before I Kick the Bucket
Because Eventually I Have To Die, Maybe
Because Eventually I Have To Die, Maybe
Jan 8th
44. Go blonde
81. Learn to appreciate wine
93. Eat in an upscale restaurant that serves “courses”
122. Go to natural hot springs
130. Learn to juggle
149. Have my fortune told
170. Create a family tree
315. Try the raw food diet for two weeks
413. Have a hot stone massage
486. Smoke a cigar
633. Learn to drive standard
641. Go to Hooters
Dec 13th
The articles over at Cracked are pretty much the only reason I get out of bed each morning. This morning they outdid themselves with this amazing Bucket List of things to do before (or while) you die. I like things that are both relevant to my life but also written well enough that I no longer want to punch a whole through my computer using my phone.
I’m not sure if my favourite is “cause an eclipse” or “touch Christian Bale’s face”…either way, a little ridiculous inspiration for you.
Nov 6th
I took my friend Mikaela out to breakfast in Okotoks and on the way back we found a giant rock. There were teenagers playing guitar on the top. Alberta…
Apparently the rock is called Big Rock and is just one of many giant glacial erratics in Alberta. Here is the Wikipedia page.
Nov 4th
This is just a quick hit! Number 581 on my list was to go camping again. I vaguely remember going as a child, camping as we travelled around. By “vaguely” I mean I have a strong memory of camping at Niagra Falls and it raining so heavily that I could feel a river moving under the tent. Sidenote: I was also terrified of thunderstorms at the time and there I was, in a tent, during a thunderstorm. Fantastic. I went again when I was 10 or so with my parents and family friends, and it was just awful. So, naturally, I out-and-out refused to go outside or near trees for 15 years.
This summer I managed to overcome my deep fear and went camping a total of three times. And all three times I set up the tent. Oh yeah.
#581. Go camping again
Nov 3rd
Not a whole lot to report, sadly. The onset of winter turns me into a sloth-like creature who fantasizes about ways she could turn her bed into a person, and then legally marry that person she made out of her bed. My diet also turns into something resembling a dessert menu.
The only real thing of note I accomplished today was making a packing list for my looming trip to Vancouver (I also napped for three hours, so there’s that…). I’m heading to Vancouver for work, to attend the Issues of Substance Conference being out on by the Canadian Centre for Substance Abuse. No, I did not actually pack, but the list has been made. While work related, I am excited to get out of the city for a short time and to catch up with two friends currently residing in the city. Also, I have a suite at the Hyatt the may prove to be quite, as the kids say, “pimp.”
The most exciting thing other than my 55 minute plane rides will be Homovember, when I can cross something off of my list for the first time in months.
Nov 2nd
Much to the dismay of grandmothers everywhere, I decided to go ahead with my 5th and by far largest tattoo. I booked it months ago with Karrie Arthurs at local custom shop Blackbird Electric after my friend recommended her work.
I have little else to say other than god damn:

Nov 1st
On Sunday, my friend Kris, who is the all-star behind my favorite blog Popingay, suggested we embark together on the magical journey that is NaBloWriMo (I think he assumed it stood for National Blowing Writers Month).
This all began when our mutual friend Mikaela said Ian was coming over to work on a project. Kris and I pressed her for details. She refused, stating:
“You’ll make fun of us.”
She was right. After a hearty dose of laughter over the fact that she and Ian participated in NaNoWriMo annually, Kris and I mocked their nerd-dom for several minutes, loudly. At some point, Kris remarked that there was now a NaBloWriMo. I thought “that would be the perfect opportunity to get back on this blogging horse” and Kris thought “I’m a manwhore with a weird writer fetish.”
So we decided to embark on this beautiful writing/blow job journey together. I look forward to a month of fitting in a daily dose of terrible writing that no one reads but my mom. And that’s just because I make her proof read my work.
Coming up:
Nov 2: Tattoo
Nov 6-9: Issues of Substance Conference in Vancouver, BC
Nov 12: Homovember (the terrible holiday I concocted and plan to make my friends celebrate with me, as per item 204 on my list)
Then it’s 2012 the year we all die or whatever.
Jul 12th
I suppose most people’s idea of a vacation is Hawaii. Maybe Mexico or even Punta Cana. Some might be adventurous and dream of one day laying on the beaches in the South of France (I’m looking at you Beyonce). That’s all nice and well, but I have a certain expectation that any travel I partake in will eventually lead to me being buried due to a well-earned gun shot wound. Roughly translated: I have a powerful obsession with North Korea and possibly an unhealthy fascination with visiting this Powerful and Prosperous Nation (yeah, that’s me, quoting North Korean propaganda). People find this incredibly odd and confusing. (Apparently the economy in North Korea is in direct offense to the beliefs of Canada? – but their website calls me “friend”! So it’s TOTALLY OKAY GUYS!). This reaction has always been alright, because my obsession makes me quite a celebrity amongst my friends – in that I am obviously some kind of spy sent from the Democratic People’s Republic to gather information about what capitalist pigs are up to these days (I like to send Kim-Jong Il pictures of potbelly pigs in Lincoln hats).
Side note: One time I got …rather… drunk at a gay bar and was telling these people in the bathroom how I went to North Korea and fell in love with this guy and when he told me he loved me I said “hahaha I choose FREEDOM!” When I started laughing and confessed I was joking, my friend Andrew punched me in the arm. My friend Andrew is a jerk.
My own rendition of the punching…So why the fascination with North Korea? Let me tell you in the only way I know how - NUMERICAL LISTS ORGANIZED BY DECREASING LEVELS OF HUMOUR.
Side note: I know this blog post will probably remove any possibility of ever going to the United States again. I take my “journalism” seriously, okay?
1. The Vice Guide to North Korea. If you have Netflix, if you have YouTube, if you have the ability to click that link, I sincerely suggest you watch this documentary. In return, I will not deny that this documentary helped turn my fascination with the nation into an interest for visiting. When did I first visit The Official Webpage of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to look at travel options? Yes, after the first time I watched this film. Later on Kimjongilia would make me feel sad about North Korea for a while, but that was fixed by watching the Vice Guide again! YAY!
2. My Imagination. Picture it: Gadhafi and Kim Jong-il meet the day of their trials at the Hague for crimes against humanity, their eyes lock across the room. This was it; the reason for their murderous reigns thousands of miles apart. They approach each other from across the room, or whatever the Hague is like – I don’t care enough to find out. Eyes still locked, Gadhafi says “I really like your special brand of crazy” and Kim Jong-il replies “your style is impeccable…I mean those sunglasses….” As they are dragged away, they scream out “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” to each other and vow to be reunited. These are the things that occupy my mind most of the time. Can you imagine a charcoal sketch of this moment? Can you imagine bringing that sketch to North Korea and getting Kim Jong-il to sign it?!? A girl can dream.
3. Totes Hipster. I literally know of nobody who has gone there, or who wants to go there. Where else in the world is there a destination that obscure and awful? Well, maybe like…lots of places?
4. Perspective. On a more serious note, I’m a spoiled brat. I’ll admit I have nothing on Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, but on a global level, I’m just awful. My water usage, gas consumption, eating habits… just ridiculous. And yet I never think about these things, ever. Mostly because I’m too busy gluing feathers in some gay dude’s hair or filling bathtubs with champagne – just for funsies. I so rarely stop to think about what my life would be like if I had been born anywhere else in the world. The fact I can hop on a plane to any continent in the world tomorrow if I choose isn’t something I should take as lightly as I do. So many people ask why I’d want to go to a country that would never give me the freedom to roam as I pleased. People constantly ask me “how is that experiencing culture?” A trip to North Korea presents the rarest opportunity to be thrown directly into a culture of complete control. I can only imagine how much more I might appreciate my freedom if I spent a week without any.
5. The Landscape, people, culture, buildings…it has all the reasons people travel anywhere. My favourite site for pictures of North Korea shows it all: Wandering Camera: North Korea
May 24th
You don’t have to know me to know that I am pure class. All class, all the time. It’s a known fact.
Okay, this is completely untrue. I am less classy than Ke$ha. At least she has nice clothes and a proper glitter budget. Suffice to say that if I had been the one marrying Prince William, I would have been removed from my own wedding. The fact is, I’m listening to “I Want Your Sex” by George Michael while at work. I’m also wearing a white bra and a black shirt. Yeah. One classy bitch.
So, seeing as how classy I truly am, it made complete sense to add “Have fondue” to my life list. I had the good fortune on Sunday to avoid being apocalypsed or turned into a Jesus Michael Jackson-esque zombie or whatever was supposed to happen, which allowed me to partake in dinner with my friend Scott (the following is my artist’s representation of Scott, since he doesn’t seem to have a website to link to…I’m confused).
Thanks to dudelol.com for this stunning rendition of Scott.Now, if you have met me, you know I tend to do brunch at Laurier Lounge, which has the best fucking brunch in the city of Calgary. I had never been there for dinner though, so we decided to go there. As I gazed over the menu all I could think was: “well, there goes my shoe budget for the year” (because I am classy and have a shoe budget). This is when my favourite and oh-so adorable waitress Genevieve suggested we partake in the (I wish I could write in rainbow glittering lettering for this) FONDUE EXPERIENCE. Three courses of fondue. FEATURING A BEEF FLOWER (again, rainbow lettering.)
Swiss cheese and French bread. European bastard children never tasted this good.Uhm, yeah. Right now. Thanks.
Do I have to mention dessert was fresh fruit with Bernard Callebaut chocolate?
Off my list. Possibly the classiest of all the additions.
421. Have fondue